The Bold and the Bashful

Shyness is a nearly universal emotion; cross-cultural surveys suggest that 90 percent of all adults feel socially inhibited in certain situations. But for the 30 to 40 percent of the population that counts itself chronically shy, the tendency can be crippling. Studies indicate that shy people are more likely than others to end up maladjusted and lonely, not to mention underemployed. Until recently, researchers assumed that shyness was strictly an acquired habit. But the ground has shifted in recent decades. Many experts now agree that the trait is at least partly hereditary - that some kids are bound to experience the world as Jennifer does, no matter how they're raised. The good news is that biology is not always destiny. Many people outgrow their inhibitions, just as some acquire them only later in life. And even the terminally shy sometimes triumph on their own terms.

Psychologists are vague on just how life experience figures into these phenomena. Kagan suspects that shyness is triggered by "stressors" in a child's environment, such as "marital quarrels, illness in the family or the presence of a dominating older sibling." Jonathan Cheek, the Wellesley psychologist, points to a lack of "emotional expressiveness in the family" and a "perceived lack of parental support." Arnold Buss, of the University of Texas at Austin, blames late-blooming shyness on parents who overemphasize correct behavior. Unfortunately, none of this can be stated as fact. "Although a vast number of investigators have attempted to relate children's social behavior to the child-rearing behavior of their parents," notes Jens Asendorpf of the Max-Planck Institute for Psychological Research, in Munich, "there is no clear evidence that shyness is associated with particular parenting styles."

Even so, common sense suggests that parents can help their kids become socially competent, simply by nurturing self-esteem and a sense of belonging. "If children are eased into situations, and if they're not hit with too much stimulation and too much novelty all at once, they can develop their own adaptations," says Mary Rothbart of the University of Oregon. The trick, she and other psychologists agree, is to accept timid children as they are, and to avoid apologizing or speaking for them when they're slow to come forward. Arden Watson, of Penn State University, has found that reading stories and writing letters can help shy kids feel more confident, by enhancing their language skills. So can games that involve conversations with make-believe strangers. 

www.newsweek.com/special-issue-how-kids-grow-bold-and-bash.